Category Archives: Writers – Chris P Bacon

Barnacles of Botchulism

After a creditable result at Forest Green Rovers and with the Big Luton game…. and Wrexham…and Mansfield…. in front of us Mr Chris P Bacon gives his unique take on the road ahead.

It was good to hear Lord Bob on the wireless this morning with Squire Steve, the dynamic duo of Lincoln City who should both be given the freedom of the city for the faithful, in my humble opinion.

Lord Bob came over so well I think he needs his own show on the station and I’m sure he will play a lot of hits from the 1950’s very well!

Anyway tonight the Faithful are off to Forest Green.  I’ve looked into my A to Z that is glued to my clipboard and haven’t a clue where it is, but probably somewhere in Nottinghamshire.   I’m so happy finding these places and it’s so much nicer than going to Rotherham, I can tell you!

Well we got there in the end and I don’t know why I was told it’s in Nottingham, but in the Gotswoulds, wherever that is!  When I heard the Wolds bit I thought I’d be turning back East up the A46 towards Grimsby but thankfully we had a good navigator with us and we got there just in time to see Forest Green nick it one nil in the onion bag.

Well the club is struggling again and I’ve said it before but being in a Premier League isn’t for Lincoln City.  We need to get into the North or the Unigate as quickly as possible!  Forest Green got three more in the onion bag against nothing for the Mighty Imps.  My prediction of playing in the Blue Square North next season is coming up fine and I’ll be delighted to find Vauxhall on the map, too!  Don’t forget that if you finish bottom all you need to do is turn the League upside down and you are top.  That’s what I’ll be doing from now on, the charge to the BSN is on for the Mighty Imps and don’t let any cockneys tell you otherwise!

Barnacles Of Botchulism

The Faithful are asking my word on the name change to the Stadium.  Well as you know, I was against moving the club from John O Gaunts to start with!

Seasons greetings from Chris P Bacon


Anyway, we aren’t here to talk about John O Gaunt, we are here to talk about the Imps.


If you ask me truly what the name of the new ground should be, it should be named after one of the best players to ever put on a Lincoln City shirt and be cheered on by the Faithful.  His name?  Ron Mediocre, an outside left who usually played inside right for the Imps in the 1930s.  Well I say played, he made one substitute appearance in a Reserve game in 1933 and played for about 55 seconds, but it was 55 seconds of magic.  Although he didn’t feel very well afterwards and never played again, he was pivotal in the club’s bottom placing in the Football League that year.  After leaving the Imps, he became a young offender and played for a Borstal XI for 3 years, and on leaving that establishment was in and out of HM pleasure for 40 years, before retiring to Rio De Janiero.


The Mediocre Stadium would be a great name to give to the club and will recognize a great Imp and footballer.  He will have my vote when I get my £50 in – and I’m sure he’ll have Mike’s vote too!

Barnacles Of Botchulism

Ten years ago to the day the Imps entered admin… well let Chris P Bacon put it in layman’s terms

Ten years ago today dear Faithful, the Imps went into administration.
From that point onwards I never put my clipboard down, so happy I was
that there was so much drama going on at Sincil Bank.  There hadn’t
been any drama here since the great ginger nut escapade of 1983, when
our master Gilbert Grape decided that we had to go to McVitees
biscuits instead of Kwik Save own brand.   There was a lot of calamity
in catering at Sincil Bank from that point onwards as we all enjoyed
our Kwik Save snacks and McVitees was just too posh a make for people
here to contend with!

Anyway, we aren’t here to talk about McVitees.  Sadly it seems that
the Imps are staying in the Premier, unless Hayes do us all a big
favour and win their last three games.  I’ll be a Hayes and Yeading
fan for a little bit longer then, although I’ll never dump on my
Mighty Imps.  Dare I say, I can’t do that!

The Imps travel to Fleetwood on Friday and as I said to the Chairman,
Lord Bob the other day, why bother to spend all that money to go to
someone who used to be in the charts with his waterproof coat, why not
just wire in the 3 points to the Conference straight away.  Think what
that money saved could buy – it would certainly give David Holdsworth
4 new players if we didn’t have to get a coach across like that!  Lord
Bob smiled and asked for another biscuit, and I made sure it was a
Tesco own brand!

Chris P Bacon’s Barnacles of Botchilism

Chris P Bacon’s update

Well that’s more like it Lincoln, I said to the Faithful today, with
the opponents getting that ball into the back of the onion bag.  I’ve
said before and I don’t want to debate with anybody, but the Premier
is not the league for the Mighty Imps.  It’s not that we don’t want to
be successful, but it’s far easier to manage a club that might go part
time next season then one at the top end of the fifth division.

Who wanted promotion in 1997/8?  Or 10 years before?  And Graham
Taylor, who wants record breaking runs?  What we want is the Board and
the Trust to continue doing the best thing that they have ever done
for the club and that’s take it into Leagues it’s never been in
before.  Indeed, success can be judged on Lincoln playing in the Blue
Square North  next season.  New adventures for the Mighty Imps and the
board’s judgement remains sound.

And thanks to Sir Dave, Lord Bob and the players, a brand new League
is set and ready for the Mighty Imps to play in next season.  Indeed
I’m already salivating into my clipboard at the delights of great
derbies against those huge teams Boston United and Gainsborough

Why not come along for the ride, dare I say?

Barnacles of Botchilism by Chris P Bacon

Chris P Bacon speaks as he finds as ever


Now as I told the press at the weekend, I don’t want to debate with
any body, but I’ll tell you all this, without Lord Bob (it’s in the
post) and his colleagues, this football club would still be dangling
around the mid table of the Nationwide League, as opposed to being in
the Premier League, which is where we want to be, well unless we are
moved into Blue Square North at the end of the season! Don’t let any Cockney tell you otherwise because they are not telling you the truth!  But we aren’t here to talk about debates, we are here to talk about the Mighty Imps!
Dare I say as you all know I have been involved with the Mighty Imps
for decades and I thought I would go through what I have said during
times of great tension, so have been through the old press cuttings,
diaries and scrapbooks, for the  Barnacles Greatest Hits.

About leaving the St John O Gaunts ground: “This is the best ground
we’ve ever had and we cannot improve by going to a place with Sin in
the title.  Dare I say.”

About Manager Con Moulson: “He’s the best Manager we’ve ever had and
those teddy boys who don’t like him should go away and support Lindum
FC, dare I say.”

About Chairman Gilbert Blades: “He’s the best chairman we’ve ever had
and those so called supporters who don’t like him should go away and
support Lincoln United, dare I say.”

About Chairman Steff Wright: “He’s the best chairman we’ve ever had
and those parasitic dross muppets who don’t like him should go away
full stop, dare I say.”

Chris P Bacon – Barnacles Of Botchilism

Hello and welcome to another column, in which I tell you, the Faithful,
what to think.

Dare I say I hope my Lionel Ritchie impression on the wireless went
down well, it certainly did with my mum!  So much better than that Del
Boy wannabee who was on before me.  Couldn’t understand a word of that
Cockney patter.  But I dye cress, which is a hobby I do a great deal
in the off season!

The protest didn’t really work today did it?  About 300 people, so
only really 0.001% of the Imps Faithful.  Not really stirring, I was
more stirred when Sir Bob made the tea in the Executive Box earlier!
We even got some very nice biscuits over there too, supplied by his
Lordship from the Trust!

On to Mighty Imp matters.  Given the closure of the St Andrews Stand
today, we are about to launch a brand new fan initiative, called the
Smiley Young Capable Original People Having ‘Appiness in the New
Terrace Society.  I think this club needs more people like this and it
will stop these silly demonstrations going on, honestly we didn’t know
where to look.  Where did these people come from and do they really
follow the Mighty Imps?  They don’t look like the clean people we get
on the coaches.  We need the Faithful to follow us blindly and
optimistically, call it a religion if you like!  Anyway, we aren’t
here to talk about Coaches, we are here to talk about the Mighty Imps.

A great result today from the dynamic duo of Holdsworth and Sir Bob,
KGCB and dare I say that may mean that the club manages to stay in the
Premier League for another season.  In fact given the result David
Holdsworth should be given the freedom of Lincoln!
Seems like I’ll have to put that atlas away sadly to find places like
Eastwood or Gainsborough.  Never mind, I’m sure we will be going there
sometime in the future.

Till the next time, the Imps are staying up!

Chris P Bacon

Barnacles Of Botchilism

Chris P Bacon has a unique and independent view.

I was shocked to hear that the Faithful were thinking of demonstrating
outside Sincil Bank.  Even my dear old mum thought it was a disgusting
habit to do in public and that if you want to demonstrate, you should
do it in the privacy of your own bathroom, not in front of the board
of directors of the football club!
Imagine all those business people who work so hard for Lincoln City
Football Club having to put up with supporters doing these dirty
things when they are trying to eat their prawn sandwiches and mix with
the Newport County board of directors.   So disgusting a thought that
I had to put my clipboard down for a minute or two!

Onto other things, it was positive for the club for Danny Lloyd to
score a goal last weekend, it really livened up amongst the Faithful
and shows that the club are going in the right direction.  We might
have got no points out of that long trip, but at least it’s one in the
onion bag for the Faithful!  Anyway away goals count double, don’t

St Patricks Day Barnacle of Botchulism

I was in my bath the other day thinking about the Faithful going down
to Bath the day afterwards and I thought it was funny that I thought
the same things at once.  Anyway, we aren’t here to talk about my
bath, or about Bath, we are here to talk about the Mighty Imps, going
to Bath tomorrow.

Although the Imps are just three points outside the zone to play in a
brand new League next season, the prestigious Blue Square North, I
think it’s only right to reflect on how well the club board have
worked to get the Mighty Imps into the Premier League after all those
years in the Football League.  They’ve done very well, as Young Mr
Grace might say, and all deserve a great pat on the back for it.
After all, the Faithful have been crying out for Premier League
football at Sincil Bank for years and now truly, dare I say, we have
got it!  Although we never expected to do well in the Premier League,
I don’t see any harm in the Mighty Imps dropping into the Blue Square
North, because who knows, in a few years time, the Imps might get back
into the Premier, or perhaps move into another Premier League, namely
the Unibond.  I hope we don’t get stuck there though for too long, a
few years perhaps.  A little joke for the Faithful there!  Anyway I
think Premier League football is too much for the Imps and probably
too high a level for them – if only they brought the Vauxhall
Conference back, we might win it then like we did in 1988!

Anyway I’ve got to get ready for the Mighty Imps going to Bath
tomorrow.  Here’s hoping the biscuits are high quality, sometimes at
these Premier League clubs we only get Tesco own brand ones which
don’t sit on the palate very well.  I might bring my own Lincoln
biscuits with me instead, but I don’t know if they do a brand with
custard on them.  Anyway we aren’t here to talk about biscuits, we are
here to talk about the Mighty Imps!

Onwards and upwards, not backwards and downwards!

A Barnacle of Botchilism from Chris P Bacon

To help with the apathy around Lincoln City at the moment, the Barnacle of Botchilism himself, Chris P Bacon, is back with a message to fans of the club.

Although we haven’t won in six games, you have got to keep da faith
with Holdsworth, Mr Bob Dorrian, a superb man, and the team.  Yes OK
the Mighty Imps might end up in the Blue Square North, but that will
be a new adventure for the club and also for the faithful.  Don’t call
it a downward spiral, call it experiencing new teams and new places to
go to – after all I need to perhaps get my Atlas out to see where
Vauxhall is in the country.  I think it’s in London, but it’s strange
they play in the Blue Square North!

People keep on slagging off the Trust at the moment and it’s unfair.
We keep quiet because we have nothing to say!

When I had my biscuits at half time (Custard Cream, Bourbon and a
Jammie Dodger), a fan came up to me and said we are going down.  I
said, it doesn’t matter as long as the Mighty Imps continue and I’ll
be there doing the usual even if I’m the only fan left.  In fact I’d
quite enjoy that!

This club doesn’t need any negativity you just have to believe that’s all you
need.  After all it helped against Aldershot last year!

Up the Imps!