Category Archives: Agony Aunt Letters

He’s Behind You

The Lincoln Theatre Royal panto is moving to Sincil Bank, where it will be performing a Panto every other Saturday and on occasional Tuesday nights until May.

A big thanks for an email from D Warling for this one

We would urge thrill seakers & theatre goers

to book early, to avoid disappointment

*****

Adults £16-£18

discounts for early bookings and concessions are available

*****

John Nutter

will play Peter Pan.

(alas the part of Captain Hook will go to another)

*****

Graham Hutchison and Andrew Boyce

as the ugly sisters.

*****

Alan Power and Gary Mills

are the Fairies.

*****

Bob Dorrian will play

Baron Totally Hard Up.

*****

The rest of the board will play

Prince and Princess Charmless.

*****

Dave Holdsworth

will play Fagin.

*****

The Trust will be

the Ensemble singers, doing anything and

everything that Baron Totally Hard Up tells

them to do.

*****

Produced and Set Designed

by Turkey Productions.

*****

Directed by Lincolnshire Grocer

Comical Ali – In Support of The Regime

Chairman Bob and David Holdsworth, the former enticer of Mansfield Town and master of the current Lincoln City campaign have been much criticized for the regimes PR towards ‘supporters’ but never fear because comical Ali is here

 

 

I have been asked by your most honourable Chairman to write a few words about Lincoln City.  Although I have been keeping a low profile since my days in Baghdad, I still get the Echo weekly maybe a few months late (I’ve just found out Churchill’s dead) and Imps Player keeps cutting out on my GPRS mobile, but I am a fan, probably a bigger fan than any of you out there, Impfidels!

***

In any case, ARE YOU CRAZY?  THERE IS NO CRISIS HERE!!!

*** 

WE STILL GOALS IN THE NET, OK AT BOTH ENDS, BUT THERE IS NO CRISIS HERE!!

*** 

THE CLUB HAS BUDGETED FOR 2,800 TO 3,000 GATES AND WE ARE ONLY GETTING HALF THAT, BUT THERE IS NO CRISIS HERE!!!!

*** 

DAVID HOLDSWORTH SHOULD BE ENGLAND MANAGER AND NOT ROY HODGSON.  WHAT HE HAS DONE AT SINCIL BANK HAS BEEN NOTHING SHORT OF EXTRAORDINARY!  THERE IS NO CRISIS HERE!!!!

*** 

ALAN POWER IS THE GREATEST MIDFIELDER IN THE CONFERENCE.  ALL HAIL TO HIS MAGNIFICENCE IN THE CENTRE OF THE PARK.  THERE IS NO CRISIS HERE!!!

*** 

THE CLUB PAID OFF THE TRAITOR GOWLING BECAUSE HE’S THE BEST PLAYER WE HAD AND WAS THEREFORE COMFORTABLY WELL PAID FOR THAT STATUS.  WE DON’T WANT GOOD PLAYERS HERE.  THERE IS NO CRISIS HERE!!!!

 ***

THE TRUST DOES A VERY GOOD JOB AND MAKES MILLIONS A YEAR FOR THE CLUB.  THERE IS NO CRISIS HERE!!!!!

 ***

THE CLUB DOESN’T HAVE AN ASSISTANT MANAGER OR A RESERVE TEAM.   THERE IS NO CRISIS HERE!!!!!!

*** 

SUPPORT THE BOARD, YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE.

 ***

HOW MANY MORE TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT TO YOU IDIOTS OUT THERE – THERE IS NO CRISIS HERE!!!!

*** 

Yours Forever

 ***

Comical Ali

Rose Tinted The Imps Agony Aunt Wants to Help.

Many of you know me as an optimist and I think it is time I opened my surgery and letters page up to cleanse the souls of certain Imps who may feel they need to get their woes off their chests. Please keep the language clean as we will not be able to print your opinions and cries for help otherwise.

Although this first one may be an optimist penned by myself.. ooops I mean with shares my  loyal and optimistic view we are more than happy to print others. Just fill in a comment at the bottom and we will print your opinions or questions as to the clubs demise.

Dear Rose,

I have been going to see the Imps for 128 years and some of these young City fans do not know how lucky they are.  I don’t mind an empty stadium, no atmosphere, a s***  team on the pitch, poor facilities,  prison food catering and the redolent stench of despondency all around.
I say stick with Reg, there is nothing to beat the excitement of plenty of transfer activity. Give me quantity over quality every time in exchange for £16 entry fee and the opportunity to see our lads show how hospitable our chaps in red and white can really be.

Things are only going to get harder until we can find the natural level our wonderful board feel is right for their vision.  When that day comes I for one will be happy to flick the doggy stools from the pitch as the players come out of the gents.

Yours Phil Atio.

Rose says

Indeed Phil, although I do not for one minute swallow that as your real name,  I might answer this a little tongue in cheek, sometimes we just have to take a deep breath and thank heavens that we have such a wonderful Chairman, entrepreneurial manager and a brand new holding company that is sure to know just how to pull those strings.